An Outsider's Guide to the People of Walmart
Walmart can be an alarming experience for those who aren’t already familiar with its legendary shoppers. Thousands of hilarious pics of these strange people dressed outrageously at Walmart have been turned into Internet gold.
Dubbed "People of Walmart," the collection of photos can be so ridiculous that you need a guide to even understand what you’re seeing. Before you step foot into those big blue doors, let’s take a look at what kinds of people you're likely to run into.
Patriotism Is Paramount
Walmart is no mere store. It’s an American tradition that has spawned an entire subculture of its very own. Some of your fellow shoppers may appear a bit unique, and others may be incredibly intoxicated (or behave like they are), it would be rare to meet a Walmart shopper who isn’t proud to call America home.
Shave Years Off Your Real Age
One of the added bonuses of becoming a regular Walmart shopper is that you're sure to pick up plenty of free anti-aging tips. To the untrained eye, the person pictured here appears to be an unassuming 20-year-old girl. Prepare to be mind-blown.
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem at Walmart!
Although most Walmarts throughout the country are equipped with a plethora of fitting rooms, those tiny rooms occasionally experience some annoying backup. After all, nothing says Walmart shopping like the tradition of trying on 50 garments to see which ones are actually your size — the sizes on the tags are useless.
Beware Discount Bliss Overload
Unfortunately, this individual has succumbed to a phenomenon all too common among even the most experienced Walmart shoppers. Upon entering the store, he was clearly overcome by the vast array of rollback prices and suffered a mild fainting spell brought on by budget bliss.
Borrow Your Daughter's Outfit Day
The people of Walmart are nothing if not generous when it comes to their kin. Given the constant rollbacks that the store offers, most family members walk away with plenty of items to share. Here, a father and daughter demonstrate the communal spirit of sharing a wardrobe.
The Faux Fur Look
Given Walmart's illustrious reputation in certain areas, it's no surprise that some of its shoppers consider it the height of social destinations. When shoppers find their towns to be lacking in venues for showing off their fanciest attire, it's not uncommon to see them parade the latest fashions throughout the aisles.
Always Lend a Helping Hand
When traveling among the people of Walmart, it’s important to observe their societal customs. No matter how many guns may be on the rack in a shopper's truck in the parking lot, they never hesitate to help one of their fellow shoppers. This couple not only understands the spirit of Walmart but has utilized it to fit their own unique needs.
Never Leave Your Animals in the Car
Walmart prides itself on being a warm and welcoming environment for everyone, but they tend to draw the line when you have more than two legs. Still, the shoppers tend to view it as a cardinal sin to leave your pet alone in the car while shopping.
Rollin' with My Homies
Now, this is more like it! This gentleman understands that the bond between a man and his goat is not something to be taken lightly. Keep in mind that any animal can be disguised as a service animal these days with forged papers and a vest purchased off Amazon. The staff probably doesn’t even bother to ask for confirmation anymore.
Beware of Accidental Accessorizing
Here, we have a common Walmart wardrobe malfunction. In the rush to grab everything on her list before the checkout lines filled up yet again, this lady clearly resorted to rushing through her trip to the bathroom. While tempting, this is generally an ill-fated plan.
Master the Art of Multitasking
Over the decades, the people of Walmart have developed amazing abilities when it comes to doing several things at once. After all, how are you supposed to hold a random reptile, pay the cashier, order cigarettes and grab a last-minute Snickers all at once?
Push Your Clothing to the Limit
Assuming you've mastered the last piece of advice, then it's time to take things even further. Not only do fashion rules cease to exist inside Walmart, but you can also kiss the days of finding the correct size goodbye. In Walmart, everything suddenly becomes one size fits all.
Keep Your Kids Close
If you're the kind of mom who finds yourself explaining to your kids on a regular basis that they are the reason you can't have nice things, then definitely take them along on your next Walmart outing. The odds are good that your child will finally feel at home among his people.
Cart Your Critters in Style
The people of Walmart tend to be incredibly encouraging when it comes to adoption, even if your children don't happen to be human. The store's aisles are well known among the overly aggressive cat-loving community, and the scene you see before you is unlikely to raise a single eyebrow.
Nothing a Pair of Suspenders Can't Fix
Likewise, if you aim to become a true person of the 'Mart, then you must abandon the idea of discarding clothes simply because they no longer make any sense on your body. Rest assured, you will be able to find an additional piece of clothing at a killer price that will totally make the original item work.
Be Sure to Visit the Photo Department
When it comes to gifts, nothing quite says I love you like a special photo. The Walmart photo department center prides itself on providing state of the art equipment that you can use to upload, edit and print your photos, all for a reasonable rate.
Defy Fashion Rules
The next point is perhaps best demonstrated by a small mental exercise. Search the reaches of your mind for everything you know about how to dress. Take all the fashion articles you've read, all the socially accepted style norms you know and everything you've ever learned from episodes of What Not to Wear.
The Crazier the Hair, the Better
If you've combed, styled or otherwise arranged your hair in a respectable fashion, then you are in no way ready for a trip to your local Walmart. Venturing into such a sacred place with styled, controlled hair is considered among the most insulting of insults to its people.
Enjoy Plenty of Kid-Friendly Rides
Want to get your kids off the couch and out into the real world? It doesn't get any more real than the aisles of your local discount city. Not everyone can afford a trip to Disneyland, you know, but you just may find that Walmart offers all the fun of action-packed rides at a 100% discount.
Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You?
Although almost everything is acceptable in Walmart, not even retail paradise is without some limits. Disparaging remarks against local football teams, for instance, are not tolerated and may be reported to any law enforcement officials who happen to be roaming the aisles.
It's 5:00 Somewhere
Ever heard a day drinker excuse their behavior by noting that it's always 5:00 somewhere? The "somewhere" being referred to is likely the local Walmart, where the clock always points to margarita o'clock. The store's got you covered when it comes to all your beer, wine and Jimmy Buffet CD needs. (Some locations also sell liquor!)
Childcare: Nailin' It
It's no accident that carts are basically just large metal playpens on wheels. Why waste money on a fancy babysitter when Walmart offers everything you need to keep your toddler safely contained? Best of all, your child will never be without plenty of things to keep them busy.
Keep Things Classy
While not wearing a shirt isn't a problem in most Walmarts, many Southern gentlemen strive to maintain higher standards and keep their shirts on. The obvious downside is that summer in many Southern states can be absolutely sweltering.
Free Hats in Every Produce Department
Although most kids might find a trip through the grocery department to be a bit of a bore, you won’t hear any such complaints from the children of Walmart. This young man has availed himself of one of the many free superhero masks you can find at the end of every fruit and vegetable aisle.
Be Sure to Take Frequent Shopping Breaks
The importance of pacing yourself while shopping cannot be stressed enough. What can you get at Walmart? Literally everything — even if you only went in for one thing. That kind of shopping power can become exhausting, and it’s important to recharge to keep shopping.
Take in the Surrounding Scenery
As you'll quickly discover upon descending into the Walmart subculture, you can find many true visionaries among its citizens. While most people would have only seen a humble cart rack in the parking lot, this guy is clearly not most people. He discovered so much more than a convenient place to deposit his cart.
Remain Respectful of Clever Disguises
Due to its reputation for inclusion and friendliness, Walmart occasionally proves to be a haven for criminals on the run. You may occasionally run into such characters, and it's important to avoid blowing their carefully orchestrated covers. This woman, for instance, is obviously attempting to keep a low profile.
Lure the Ladies with the Latest Trends
If the online dating scene hasn't panned out well for you, then try your luck in the electronics section. Here, you see a trendy young man rocking the saggy shorts look as he picks out a nice new burner phone for his totally above-board business needs.
Family Fun for Everyone
If there's one thing that Walmart seems to specialize in, it's bringing families together. The store has toys for the kids, the home goods section for moms, a hunting section for dads and more knick-knacks than most grandparents could ever reasonably fit on their many shelves.
Bringin' Flashy Back
While the interiors of Walmarts everywhere promise untold treasures, you should know that a trip inside is not without its dangers. This is especially true on heavy shopping days like Black Friday. Many have learned the hard way that a store full of people in the presence of hot deals is not a situation to take lightly.