The 30 Most Absurd Consumer Products You Can Actually Buy
There are inventions that improve life – automobiles, smartphones, single-cup coffee makers – and then there are inventions that are utterly absurd.
Here are 30 of the most ridiculous products to actually make it onto the market. Be sure to keep this article on-hand next time you’re headed to a white elephant party or need a gag gift for any occasion.
Angry Mama Microwave Cleaner
Ever wonder why mama is so angry? Could it be because the microwave is dirty? The Angry Mama Microwave Cleaner gives mama a safe (and productive) outlet for her anger—the filthy microwave.
The Angry Mama Microwave Cleaner is made of non-toxic materials and uses vinegar and water steam, coming from the mama’s head, to clean the microwave. Customize your mama with a variety of hair color and clothing options.
Why use a boring old bowl with vinegar and water when an angry mama can do all the heavy lifting?
Nicolas Cage Flip Sequin Throw Pillow
Flip sequins are all the rage and flip technology really is a mesmerizing experience, whatever your age. What better way to relax after a hard day than to snuggle up with the face of Hollywood star, Nicolas Cage?
Run your fingers through the sequins on this pillow to change the solid ruby red into a squared close-up of Nic staring lovingly back at you.
If Mr. Cage isn’t your favorite actor, select from many other options including Jurassic Park’s Jeff Goldblum or Rainn Wilson of The Office. Of course, there’s also the standard unicorn or mermaid version to choose from, as well.
When it comes to everything flip sequin, the options are truly endless.
Shaving Bib
Guys, stop leaving your beard clippings in the bathroom sink! The Beard King is a hair catching apron (aka grooming cape) that catches those pesky facial hair trimmings that fly all over, allowing for easy cleanup and disposal.
As seen on Shark Tank, the Beard King attaches to the mirror with suction cups and includes a self-packing pouch for easy stow-and-go. It even comes with an accessory tray table to hold clippers and grooming tools.
Bacon Floss and Bacon Breath Mints
Bacon is everything, so why wouldn’t you want bacon-flavored floss or bacon-flavored breath mints? Now you can have it with Archie McPhee’s Waxed Bacon Floss. After all, nothing says clean teeth like the taste of bacon in your mouth, right?
If you crave the taste of bacon all day, every day, Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints is the floss for you. Improve your dental hygiene and remove plaque, all the while enjoying the delicious flavor of crispy fried bacon. Keep your mouth bacon fresh all day long with bacon mints!
Pop-Up Pee Pad (for dogs)
The Pop-Up Pee Pad is guaranteed to hold at least four cups of fluid and the pop-up fire hydrant target appeals to a dog’s desire to pee on everything.
It should be noted that the height of the fire hydrant is optimal for small and medium sized dogs. Large and extra large dogs might have to lift and squat to hit the target.
If puppy potty training is the thorn in your side, this should do the trick. If you live in an apartment, or if your canine pal struggles when it’s time to go, here’s a mess-free solution. The pop-up fire hydrant certainly sets this pee pad a step above the rest.
Boyfriend Body Pillow
Sleep lonely no more, single ladies! All you need is the Original Boyfriend Pillow, as seen on TV, for a better night’s sleep.
Hugs are healthy, and with the Boyfriend Pillow, you can reap all the health benefits without the commitment of a relationship – or any human interaction at all, for that matter.
The Original Boyfriend Pillow is the ultimate cuddle buddy – a “thick, ultra soft and fluffy masculine friend.” Get lost in the embrace of this stuffed man, with his one arm extended for all-night comfort and cuddling. Good luck finding a better snuggle!
Cat Butt Tissue Holder
It’s the perfect gift, because who doesn’t want to wipe their face with something straight out of a cat’s behind? This molded resin cat goes on your table to conceal tissues. And if an orange tabby isn’t your preference, select its black and white tuxedo friend instead.
Standard square tissue boxes fit inside this useful feline, and it makes a great gag gift for your cat-loving friends. Never misplace a box of tissues again with a Cat Butt Tissue Holder. Call it funny or downright creepy – either way, it’s incredible.
Banana Slicer
Slicing bananas can be dangerous work – one wrong move is all it takes to end up with an uneven wedge, a broken banana or a bloody finger. In the name of safety, put the knife down! Now you can safely slice bananas into bite-sized pieces with a single motion using the Banana Slicer.
If apple slicers, strawberry hullers and pineapple slicers are a thing, then a tool for bananas is a logical next step. Take note, folks, the only thing better than this product itself is the hilarious list of customer reviews.
Yodeling Pickle Ornament
Go ahead and label this one “unexpected.” With this Yodeling Pickle Ornament on your tree, you’ll never have to endure the awkward silence at a holiday party again. The motion-activated pickle is sure to be a conversation starter!
Drown out the sound of holiday music with voice-recorded yodeling. As an added bonus, this life-size pickle is also advertised as a “lucky pickle” and from the looks of the reviews, the yodeling pickle makes a hilarious gag gift.
Chambongs
If you’re looking for an all new party experience, the Chambong is your ticket. Who says champagne is just for sipping? These beautifully hand-blown-glass bongs will elevate the mood of any party by encouraging rapid consumption.
The Chambong holds six ounces of your favorite bubbly beverage. It is made of high-quality glass to keep you feeling sparkling and elegant while you enjoy a fizzy libation in a revolutionary way.
Man Beer Belly Fanny Pack
The beloved fanny pack of the 1990s has made a comeback, but this one is cringe-worthy in an amazing way. Hilarious? Maybe. But really, the Beer Belly Fanny Pack is just gross.
The large interior pocket on this ridiculously real-looking, hairy, beer-gut pack is spacious enough to hold a wallet, keys, cell phone and more. On an ironic note, the waist strap on this tummy-enhancing tote waists measuring less than 36 inches. But if you’re looking for a gag gift for an upcoming party, this one will probably get some laughs.
Potty Putter
Say goodbye to boredom in the bathroom with the Potty Putter! As the saying goes, “practice makes perfect.” Now you can brush up on your golf skills literally anywhere – with the Potty Putter, no moment is wasted.
This unique bathroom golf game includes a putting green, two golf balls, one putter, one cup and one flag. It even includes a handy “Do Not Disturb” door hanger. Know someone who just can’t get enough time on the green? The Potty Putter is a must-have item.
Wine Purse
Here’s one for the ladies (or gents!). The PortoVino City Wine Tote allows you to discreetly hold and pour wine so you’ll always have wine on hand, whenever, wherever. The roomy purse is stylish and functional. Use it to tote your belongings, with or without wine!
The Wine Tote holds two bottles of wine (or 1.5 liters of your favorite beverage) in a removable, BPA-free pouch. It’s secret, insulated, zippered pouch keeps your wine chilled for hours. When you’re ready to pour, simply use the spout hidden behind the designer flap.
PhoneSoap
Have you ever stopped to consider just how disgusting your cell phone gets? It’s likely crawling with bacteria—a literal petri dish you’re carrying around in your pocket or purse. But now, for less than $100, you can charge and sanitize your phone with the PhoneSoap 3 UV Cell Phone Sanitizer and Dual Universal Cell Phone Charger.
PhoneSoap is the perfect solution to keep your phone nice and clean. Plus, you can sanitize anything else that fits inside: smart watches, jewelry, headphones, credit cards, car keys and more. Say goodbye to germs with a quick zap in the PhoneSoap!
Talking Toilet Paper Spindle
Talk about catching your houseguests off guard! Turn an ordinary trip to the bathroom into an unexpected surprise with the Talking Toilet Paper Spindle. Record a message or music clip (up to six seconds in length) on the spindle to be played every time the toilet paper turns.
The Talking Toilet Paper Spindle features easy to use “on/off” and “record” buttons. Play a joke on your family and friends, but be prepared for bathroom guests to record a message right back at ya.
Unicorn Squirrel Feeder
Who thinks of these things? Turn squirrels into magical, mystical creatures with the Unicorn Squirrel Feeder. Simply fill the vinyl unicorn head with seeds and peanut butter. When the fuzzy-tailed creature’s running, have your camera ready!
Be sure to hang the feeder from a tree branch or another object, leaving it to dangle a few inches above a level surface so neighborhood squirrels can stick their heads right inside. The Unicorn Squirrel Feeder is truly hilarious, and if you have squirrels in your yard, it’s a must-have. You get a laugh, and they get fed. Win-win!
TriceraTACO
Now, the only thing missing from Taco Tuesday is TriceraTACO, the ultimate prehistoric taco stand. Turn your basic tacos into the Jurassic variety. The adorable, albeit impractical, Triceratops mealtime accessory holds two tacos on its back and promises to make dinner fun for all ages.
If Mexican style crunchie munchies aren’t on the menu, you can still get plenty of use out of TriceraTACO – try it with waffles, toast, sandwiches, ice cream tacos and more! Can’t get enough? The makers of TriceraTACO also offer other products such as NACHOsauras, TACOsaurus Rex and WEENIEsaurus.
The Bobcat Mullet
Turn the clocks back to the 1970s with the Bobcat Mullet. It’s “business in the front, party in the back” anytime, without the long-term commitment that scissors bring. If you don’t want to grow your own – or your wife or employer won’t allow it – the Bobcat Mullet is the fashion wig you never knew you needed.
This wavy headband wig only includes the longer, back part of a mullet haircut, leaving your natural ‘do showing in front. Absurd and pointless for anyone who would prefer to forget the 1970s, but the mullet wig might serve some purpose when it comes to costume parties.
Dehydrated Water
For all your friends who are preppers, survivalists or just into camping and hiking this is a “must have” gift.
When diluted, Dehydrated Water makes up to infinite gallons of water and comes in a handy, reusable 16-ounce steel can, guaranteed for long-term storage.
Just pour 16 ounces of water and, ta-da, you have yourself a 16-ounce glass of water! It’s also organic and BPA-free. You can’t ask for much more than that from such a practical gift.
Warning: If you have to do any explaining when someone asks how you dehydrate water in the first place, it might be time to find new friends.
Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
The average American spends roughly 8.5 hours in their car every week, so we could all use one. Still, the Laptop Wheel Desk makes the list of “worst inventions,” on the basis of safety alone… it only makes us want it more. It goes without saying that it should never be used while the vehicle is in motion.
The Steering Wheel Desk is a flat surface that attaches to the steering wheel, creating a popup office for the working stiff on the go. Flip it over and it doubles as a lunch or snack tray, complete with a cupholder. If work can’t wait, why not pull over, get out of your car, find a seat at a nearby picnic table and get some fresh air?
Portable Campfire
The Portable Campfire gets some great reviews from people who must be pretty hard up for a real campfire. At just the size of a cookie tin, it’s quite compact. Selling points include it being reusable—just add wax—and easy to extinguish.
Forget the burning wood, or a bunch of people gathered around a huge, blazing fire on the beach or at the cabin. This is more like three or four people huddled around a candle. But if you’re camping in the snow, or building a campfire is impossible (or dangerous), this might do.
Finger Hands
Admit it: At one time or another, you’ve wished for an extra hand when you were trying to juggle something. Now you can do one better. Actually, make that an extra five hands more!
Okay, the Finger Hands are pretty useless for anything other than being weirdly cute (and a little bit creepy). But slip them on and you can easily go above and beyond to give someone a “high 25.” If you could use more than five, order the bulk set which comes with both left and right hands.
ChopSabers
Whether you’re a Star Wars fan or not, these chopsticks are too much fun to ignore. Impress your friends, take sushi night to another galaxy and wage colorful wars with your sushi and noodles with these BPA-free, LED lightsaber chopsticks.
ChopSabers lightsaber chopsticks are the perfect eating utensils for Star Wars nerds, young and old. At the very least, eating with chopsticks will be a bit more fun. Who needs bamboo chopsticks when you can eat with battery-operated, light-up ChopSabers instead?
Walking Sleeping Bag
There is no lack of imaginative use for this Wearable Sleeping Bag. If you forget your spare set of clothes while camping, you can just wear your sleeping bag home. Or stay warm when you have to make a middle-of-the-night trip to the restroom.
This takes the Snuggie to a whole new level. With the wearable, walking sleeping bag, you can literally stay in bed all day. Zippered arms and legs keep you cozy and toasty when you have to move around the campsite (or even around the house).
Plant Pencil Holder Lamp
No green thumb required for this houseplant! In fact, it doesn’t even need sunlight, because this one-of-a-kind potted plant puts out plenty of “natural” light of its own. That’s because it’s an LED touch lamp with a flexible neck.
Use it in the office, next to your bed or as a nightlight for the kids. The Flexible Touch Plant Lamp even doubles as a pencil holder. Decorative, functional and, most importantly, no water needed!
Dust Mop Slippers
Mop slippers are the hilariously efficient time-saving device you never knew you needed. This four-pack of microfiber dust mop slippers by FEATHERHEAD is made of soft chenille material, these slippers are stretchy enough to fit most shoe sizes.
Wear them over shoes, socks or barefoot and turn your next family dance party into a mopping event. Cleaning has never been so fun! And with four distinct color choices, there’s one for every member of the family or you can assign a color for each swab job.
Tree Twig Toothbrush
If natural products are your jam, this is the most organic toothbrush money can buy. Made from the Arak tree and grown in chemical-free soil, this Miswak Club Teeth Whitening Kit with twig toothbrush gives you the true caveman experience. It comes with a money back guarantee that you’ll notice whiter, brighter teeth in 30 days or less, so you can’t go wrong by trying it.
No water or toothpaste is needed, making it the ultimate travel toothbrush. Keep one in your car, your purse, school backpack or diaper bag so you can clean and whiten your teeth anytime, anywhere.
Feed the Dog Reminder
Life often gets so busy that, before you know it, you’ve skipped a meal. Make sure you never have to worry about the need to feed the most important member of the family with Did You Feed the Dog?. Your good boy will never go hungry again.
This product can also be a helpful tool in teaching your children to be more responsible, but unlike most tools designed to improve daily life these days, this one isn’t an app. You have to manually switch tabs to keep track of when the dog has been fed. But if it helps combat canine obesity rates as advertised, then it’s well worth the money.
Erasable Notebook
If you loved the Magnadoodle as a kid, the Rocketbook Erasable Notebook is for you. The reusable notebook includes 32 pages that wipe clean with a damp cloth when you’re done using them. Save the trees with this environmentally-friendly notebook that can be used over and over again without wasting paper.
Just be sure you don’t go writing down all your great ideas in this notebook only to erase them. It’s great for mindless doodling during those meetings that drag on and on, but just don’t go writing down the blueprints to the world’s next life-changing invention.
Toilet Bowl Light
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night can be a daunting task. Get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, turn on the light and try not to miss the toilet. Skip any one of those steps and you could have a real mess on your hands – literally.
The Motion-Activated, 16-Color Toilet Bowl Light reduces the risks that using the loo in the middle of the night presents. If you are too sleepy to fully function or enjoy a middle-of-the-night rave, this might be the perfect product for you!
